Wowbagger Scorned
by Bob the Magical Tortoise
Summary: What happens when Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged discovers Earth's destruction. My first Hitchhiker's Guide fanfiction. Read and review!
1. Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, nor anything related to it.

A/N: Well, this is my first Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fanfiction. If you read the description, you know that it's about Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, and what happens when he learns of the Earth's destruction. Don't expect a masterpiece, or particularly long chapters, for that matter, but do expect people/aliens/whatevers to be in character, and please tell me if you find them to not be. I'll shut up now.

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Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged woke from a deep sleep aboard his ship, the very same ship that he had built so long ago to insult the universe with.

"Computer," he said, "Why did you wake me up so early?"

As the computer slowly whirred to life (Wowbagger had foolishly installed Windows on it, and was regretting that decision very much), Wowbagger attempted to make a decision on how to insult the next creature on his list: Ar Thurph Ili-Pdept, a most peculiar spider-like creature from the planet Viltvodle V.

"Mindless prat? No, I've used that one seven hundred million times already. Half-witted moronic kneebiter? Let's see… I've only used that insult two million times. Yes, that will do," he said to himself.

Finally the ship's computer started working. "Well?" asked Wowbagger, "Why did you wake me up so far from the next destination?"

"Master, I believe there is a piece of news that might be of some interest to you," it said in a horrid, monotone, and above all, slow, stopping voice. The computer turned on the small television, which Wowbagger would occasionally watch to relieve some of the immense boredom he suffered from on his endless quest.

"Remind me to uninstall Windows from you, computer," he said as the television slowly turned on, only to pop up with a message five seconds later, reading "Windows has performed an illegal operation and must shut down. We apologize for the inconvenience."

"Message recorded; message understood. Threat to Windows- message deleted," the computer said, still in the same horrendous voice, "Send message of apology to Bill Gates? Y/N"

"No," Wowbagger said as the television finally turned on.

"And in other news, Zaphod Beeblebrox has stolen the newly unveiled secret government ship- the _Heart of Gold_. This is the ship that would make hyperspace bypasses unnecessary, if you remember, dear viewers. Sadly, the destruction of thousands of planets was completed prior to the unveiling, including the largely populated planet Earth, as well as sparsely populated planets Viltvodle VI I/II, Betelgeuse I-V, and Ramalamadingdong. The Big Z has finally flipped, say his fans. For more on that, let's consult his personal brain care specia-"

Wowbagger flicked the television off, enraged. He had just lost the chance at insulting almost seven billion creatures. He would find who was responsible for this, and unleash the ultimate insult upon him—the one he had saved since he first gained his immortality.

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A/N: Well then, I hope you enjoyed that insanely short introductory chapter. Please review. Compliments, suggestions, corrections, flames, and phone numbers of cute girls are all accepted. Review now! Offer expires May 31, except in the case of us extending it just like car companies!


	2. Interlude

Disclaimer: I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But you knew that already, didn't you?

A/N: Well then, new chapter. Hopefully longer. Sorry, can't tell you yet if the Ultimate Insult is mutually exclusive with the Ultimate Compliment. It'd spoil the plot, and we wouldn't want that to happen, would we? On to the story!

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It had been over a month since Wowbagger had set off on his journey to find who had ordered the destruction of Earth. It was not long compared to his lifespan, but to him, it felt like an eternity. Most of this time was spent cursing at his computer, which would still not uninstall Windows. Oddly enough, cursing at it made it work slightly faster.

He had narrowed his search to a few groups: the philosopher mice, for they might want to stop the Question from being discovered (oh yes, he knew about the Earth's _raison d'etre_; it would have been hard to have lived as long as he had without knowing about it); the Vogons, because of the (now unnecessary) hyperspace bypass, or perhaps because they just liked destroying things; and a few assorted other individuals.

Wowbagger decided to start with the mice. _They have the highest chance of having ordered it…_ he thought.

"Computer! Plot a course for the mice homeworld!" he said.

"Sure thing, cap'n! I'm just getting happier and happier serving you, and just want to hug you and be loved!" said the computer, spewing out ticker tape reading _Sure thing, cap'n! I'm just getting happier and happier serving you, and just want to hug you and be loved! _Wowbagger hated it even more with its newly installed Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Genuine People Personality.

Barely maintaining his calm, Wowbagger said, "Computer, just do what I tell you to without speaking unless absolutely necessary."

"Yessir!" it said with another ticker tape barrage. Then silence.

The next day, the computer had a question for its master.

"Sir, should we stop at planets to insult those on the surface?"

Wowbagger pondered this query seriously. It was a very good question. Would he go down to planets, and, in his anger over the Earth, accidentally unleash the Ultimate Insult before its time had come? Or would he not stop and risk people on his list dying before he could insult them? In the end, he replied, "Go to the mice homeworld. Don't stop."

"Yessir! I just love being used! I love it I love it I love it!"

"COMPUTER! SHUT! UP!"

"Yessir cap'n sir!"

Wowbagger brandished a large axe taken from the last insulted person.

"Shutting up!" said the computer.

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A/N: That's all I can think of right now. Sorry for the shortness again. Hope you liked it, but review all the same!


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